Well, apparently, in order to use a blog as a tracker for my journey, I'm going to have to update it more than once every six months. Suuuuure, no problem! Between running a business, raising children, working on my marriage, and trying to accommodate my family obligations, this should be a snap. Uh, I think not.
To summarize the last three months of my life would be this: Come and Gone. Whether it is the pseudo-relationship with my son or my grandfather's cancer -- things that I thought I was fairly secure in, have all changed! Where to start....
How about my grandfather. He had prostate cancer that metastasized to his bones.... bone cancer! Great! He's been on chemo since my birthday in November and *POOF* cancer is almost gone! Great news!
Now... my son. He said he wanted to have a relationship with me and when it came down to acting on it, he threw me to the wolves so he could attend a football game. Yeah, it sucked, but to be honest, I think it was the most merciful thing he could have done. Now, I'm released from a "relationship" that could go nowhere, be nothing, and result in only pain.
Yeah, the past few months have been interesting, but like I said... although, I may stumble, I will never fall again.
Not Good At This
New to this...
We all have to start somewhere, right? Well, this is my starting point -- right here, right now.
You know, so many people have quotes that they use to help define themselves. I've just about heard them all from success to failure / love to hatred. I'd hate to say that I'm above bastardizing anyone else's creativity, but, alas, I'm not.
Here's my quote by GB Shaw:
"It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace."
This blog really is the map of my journey to find peace. There's no way for me to say that I'm above pain, that I haven't deserved to be hurt, it's really not about feeling superior to people's reactions to me and my decisions. It's more about learning to adapt to life and accept the way my life has changed, embrace the people who are in it, expel the people who aren't, move on and learn.
I've fought peace for many years; however, something happened last October that has fully changed my outlook and affected me so deeply that I am settled and happy with who I am. My husband got a page suggestion on Facebook from one of his old high school friends. It was to another blog, tinybuddha.com. The highlighted article was on forgiveness and how to move on from pain. I read the blog over and over again and instantly emailed my son, who I hadn't talked to in a year.
Since then, my son and I don't have the best relationship -- to say we even have one would be a stretch by anyone's imagination -- but, I know he's there if I need him and he knows I'm here if he needs me. Sometimes getting that primal is all you can ask for.
My name is Amy. I've been on my journey to peace for 10 months and 3 days and although I may slip, I will never fall again.
